Starting to realize

The past few days, weeks, months to be honest, I have been starting to realize who my true friends are. The ones who care about me and care about the (scary, yet amazing) leaps I will be taking this year. I thought I could count, relate and rely on some of my so called “friends”, but apparently I was mistaken. I was fooled by lavish excitement for my engagement, masked behind my own stupidity.  In my self-less mind, I thought by asking these certain “friends” to be my bridesmaids on my big day, I would fit in better with them, they would want to know everything about the planning process and what I thought the most, this would help encourage their boyfriends to bat and eye towards possibly, maybe asking them to be their future wives. I thought that if they would see them in my wedding, that this would help them consider marriage as well. I don’t know, in my mind, this sounded awesome. The three amigos! All of us friends and it would be perfect. Boy, was I wrong. This quickly faded. I was differently taken back and feeling really down. I don’t know. I just had a glimmer of hope that everything would work out. As time faded from me asking them, I never felt more alone. New Year’s was a bust, with them laughing and well, I’ll just go ahead and say it, making out, without me. The making out part, yeah, I don’t want to be included with that, but don’t exclude me because my sexuality is not experimental. Nonetheless, they have been posting pictures together with “bestie” bullshit captions. Seriously now, that shit hurts. But, I’ve spoken up about my feelings and now I have the wrath of their responses. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I have been so hurt. My feelings are absolutely positively hurt. I have dug myself into a depression pit and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel as if I have been betrayed.

Sure, I have a wonderful family and so does my fiancé, but I always thought I would have tons of friends to support me. I guess I shouldn’t ponder in my past, where friends where like chips in a family size bag, a ton! I just wanted to write this so I can vent though words on a computer screen. It’s kind of therapeutic. Probably no one reads this but me, but I just had to post this. If you happen to even read this, do not feel sorry for me. Just take my experience and knowledge and be prepared.  Friends are foe, in my case. Maybe its jealousy, maybe it’s just simply immaturity, but we are all adults here, so I find this to be unacceptable behavior from my supposed “friends”, now former bridesmaids. They have made my big day, a day I don’t want to happen. A day where I have to feel stricken down…
So for now, ill live everyday, fake, pretending everything is okay. I know this isnt a huge problem and there is such bigger issues in the world, but this is what is going on in my life right now and this is my blog. So love it or leave it. 
If you have any advice for me, leave a comment!